In Love of Washing Machines
There is a feeling of heavy anger permeating this mind and body today and I have to allow and accept its presence. The stomach has spewed on and off since Friday and I am weary from it. It makes the ground erode and the fear creep back in. I had thought those times were now past. I think I was rather naïve. I have introduced new meds and new foods and the body has rebelled and said ‘no!’. Sometimes I feel there is a deliberate sabotage that gets switched on and I know these thoughts are not helpful. And yet right now it feels to be my truth. The spewing stomach waited till we were in the car heading home on Friday. And my beloved was then pedal to the metal attempting to get me to the home and the toilet as fast as he could. Suffice it to say I am so happy for washing machines and washable floors. It is so hard not to berate and scream about the experience. Everything gets cancelled, and I take myself off to a darken room and skulk in the shadows. When the spewing hits, it comes out of nowhere to here now and it often occurs at inconvenient moments when I am not at home. Leaving me physically ill and emotionally ragged.
I have chosen to still ‘live’ this life as much as I am able, and yet that comes with anxiety and deep fear when I am out. Often I don’t eat in fear of the spewing stomach erupting and have to be flexible with outside home arrangements because of these challenges. I have chosen to still live this life and yet it is not easy. I could easily retire into these four walls and never go out again, and yet I value the courage to go out and still be in the world. I will tread this path of wellness, and in time will move through the anxiety and fear, to a greater place than where I reside now. And I know there will be setbacks along this healing path and I will be as loving as I can to myself. Courage and resilience are my new mantras as I continue on this healing journey this year.