On being angry
I have been angry today and I will own it as mine. I have been triggered by circumstances that have reminded me of past relationships and I’m not sure how I now feel. I have had times in my life where I have felt let down by others and there was a period of my life when I very alone. Sitting in my bedroom with no special friends to talk to or party with. I vowed I would never put another before a relationship and I believe I have kept that promise to myself, for all of my adult years. When I was younger I had girlfriend’s that dumped me as soon as a boyfriend came on the scene. It was a very painful experience for me which happened quite a few times in the college years. Aloneness became my familiar friend and my books became my solace from the pain of isolation. In the past years I have made some really good friends and I have invested much into these friendships. I know that change comes, and this is when friendships become a testing ground for me. Old triggers rise to the surface and I am having to hold myself within the trigger and work out what feels okay and what does not. And right now that is where I am. I have to allow people space, and give myself space too. I have too much respect for myself and will not side-line myself. I value the relationships I have and I hope I am valued too for what I have given and still give. I am a loving, giving person and yet I still have my edges. And right now I feel my edges have become spikey and jagged. I am feeling my way round the spikes to the core of my anger and hoping I can soften it and create some compassion for myself and the hurt I feel. It is old patterns that have come bubbling up to the surface and I am being as compassionate as I can right now. I wonder what Helen would say? and now I am off to have a virtual session with her in my mind.