Homeward Bound
We are homeward bound today after a week in our forest retreat. This has been such a haven of beauty and of ‘unreality’ and I feel some trepidation in our return to reality. I have felt cocooned here amongst the these beautiful trees and I have taken solace from the landscape and from the time I have had with my Beloved. It is like we both unfurl here and become vulnerable and honest and very emotionally ‘here’. I have been honest about my struggles emotionally and my high ideals I place on myself. I admit here that I do find it hard to relax and ‘be’ in the moment. Ah those words are my Achilles heel! I believe a lifetime of ‘trying to relax’ has rendered me useless at this! When I truly relax, the logical mind has disappeared for a time, and that appears to be difficult to achieve. Ah there I go again, forever measuring my abilities and putting pressure on myself to do, or be something that in the moment, I am a long way from. There feels an almost ‘always’ pressure to ‘be’ something. Whether it’s ‘being’ the romantic, sensual me in the woods or the ‘I’m getting my house in order’ kind of girl. It feels rather difficult to accept where I am and say ‘I’m just going to be ‘this’ me, whatever that is right now’. There is always a striving to ‘do’ rather than ‘be’ and I get exhausted by it. And so there has to be a finding of another way which, right now, I am in the dark without a compass or a torch. I guess if I go back to logic and feeling, then that gives me some landscape to work with. Not work as such, just a meeting point where I can think and feel where these two view points meet. And maybe in this contemplation, I can drop the pressure and just observe the feelings that bubble up inside me. It is hard to do this, as I am always worrying about the others in my life. Am I showing up enough? Am I being enough? Questions that I think I could probably do with asking myself. And yet they get lost in my desire to please others before myself.. Am I showing up for myself right now? and how can I be enough for myself right now? Now those are the gentle questions I will sit with today as we make our return back to our civilised life.