The Shadows<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The mind has taken some dark roads this past weekend and I feel I’m having to dig myself out of a big pot hole that’s gone and planted itself in the middle of my pathway. I have felt rage and that has been difficult to emotionally deal with. I had a picture in my head of me bobbing around on a stormy sea and the lifeboat has been barely adequate. It is amazing how a sentence delivered to me, can send me off into the stormy waters. I have insecurities that have blown right up and they have left me floundering. I want peace to come, and it will not. I want acceptance to come, and she’s not present. I have so many expectations of others and high ideals, and when I feel they are not met, I sulk and I lament and for a while I will rage, and I spew, much like the stomach has done these last few days! I expect so much of others, and my expectations often lead to a feeling of let down. It is impossible to meet my standards and yet I still hold up the banner and expect a lot. Both from myself and from the others around me. And it is very hard to accept that another will have a different perspective to me and I will often judge them or me as wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The shadow me can be a cruel woman. Unforgiving of others and unforgiving of myself. It is like a line gets crossed and I close off myself, as I feel I have been hurt. And it is then hard to unfurl that which has been hurt. I have this picture of a hedgehog in the middle of the road and she’s so fearful that she’s tightened up into a big spikey ball. And there is the thought that at any moment she will get flattened by a car, or a truck or a bicycle. That is how I have felt this weekend, prickly and jagged on the outside and vulnerable and soft inside. It feels like I am in the process of being squished flat and I do not like either the picture or the sensation it provokes. I have lines that I draw down, and it is hard to be accepting when one of my ‘lines’ has been crossed. I have felt two lines crossed this weekend and I’m having to sit with the fall out, which is never easy. I have realised how much I have valued the relationships in my life. And two relationships have and are being tested. Or I would re-word that and say I am having to adjust to changes in relationships that have greatly surprised and tested me. I have felt a stepping back on my side as I have felt distance stepping in. And there is an opportunity here to work with my spikey feelings and be vulnerable and share, at least with myself, how I am feeling right now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have a past experience of relationships that have gone through a change and I would often lick my wounds in my bedroom in my splendid isolation. I am a grown up now and I can recognise this old fear coming into play here and I can see these reflections playing out in the relationships in my life. And I can choose another path now and I can realise that I am okay in these changing times and I can authentically say that I will navigate through and find my equilibrium again. My life is rich with colour and creativity. It is rich with many beautiful relationships, including the one I have with myself. I know my worth now and I know I will be okay. And I can say to these relationships in heartfelt truth ‘enjoy your space, and I will enjoy mine’. And I will trust that when we meet up again, we will find the richness and the friendship renewed. I will anchor myself in the richness of my life and accept that this is what is here now and I will enjoy our time together, which I have come to love and appreciate. And I hope that is enough.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The Shadows The mind has taken some dark roads this past weekend and I feel I’m having to dig myself out of a big pot hole that’s gone and planted itself in the middle of my pathway. I have felt rage and that has been difficult to emotionally deal with. I had a picture in … Continue reading “A Slice of Susie”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-136","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hillbury.net\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hillbury.net\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hillbury.net\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hillbury.net\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hillbury.net\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=136"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/hillbury.net\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":137,"href":"https:\/\/hillbury.net\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136\/revisions\/137"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hillbury.net\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=136"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hillbury.net\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=136"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hillbury.net\/wordpress\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=136"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}