On Birthday’s
It was my birthday quite recently and my friends kept asking me what plans I had. I used to plan my birthdays with such happy certainty, knowing that the only thing likely to scupper it, was the weather. These days that is the only certainty I have. The weather never matters to me, it is the state of this body that determines whether I celebrate with ease, or would be lying in a darkened room with storm clouds gathering.
My life has been such that I have been subject to the tides of this body. And it has not been an easy ride. My sister said to me ‘so the plan is working and you feel better?’ and a friend said ‘so you are feeling better now?’. And these questions are hard to answer, as this ‘healing’ journey is not a linear thing. Today I would say I have had three good days, and for me that is a miracle. And yet for the others in my life, there is only a linear moving forward. My journey is not like that and I cannot judge it like that, which others don’t understand and sometimes even I do not. To say ‘I have had three good days’ is an achievement in itself. It tells me that healing is possible, even if it then disappears again.
This body appears to fluctuate and it feels like anything can come in and destabilise it. I know that is a belief not serving me, and I have uncovered it just now, and so now it is visible and I can reflect and uncover the hidden things that emotionally undermine and destabilise the healing that is here right now. It’s like I hold the healing belief for a short time, and then the disbelief creeps back in and the thoughts slide back and the ground becomes destabilised and begins to crumble and erode. And every new supplement, becomes, in my head, the next road block that will likely see me falter and crumble to the floor again. I have lived ‘this’ for so long now that it is very difficult to feel optimistic about ‘this’ new thing being helpful. It feels the body goes into melt down (much like a small child) and stamps her foot and says ‘no!’. I wonder what a more gentle ‘yes’ would actually feel like? To say ‘actually this is going to help you feel so much better’ much like a Mum would say lovingly to her child. I wonder whether I can trust ‘this’ me to accept, and be okay with this. I am not sure whether she is ready to do that or not.