Untying Knots
I recently had to cancel my going out day with my Bestie, and I resented it. This body is not playing fair, and I am weary by it. I spoke to Mark, the functional med guy. I told him I feel such a failure as I don’t feel anything has changed. And yet Mark reminded me that the healing process takes time and it is not an easy fix. He said that if he could wave a magic wand, then he would and he cannot. I wish I could wave that wand and heal it all. I was feeling sick of being patient and I was sick of the word acceptance. Acceptance be dammed. I don’t accept this sentence I have been given. I want my health back and I’m going all out to get it. I feel this is a fight I shall not win, and yet that belief serves me not. To soften that belief is a challenge and one I am going to have to get in the mud and the mire to undo. It feels like a tapestry of many stitches and at the middle is a tangled mess of unhelpful beliefs that feel impossible to shift. What would it be like to sit within the tangle of stitches and review this?
Tonight I unravelled a ball of wool onto a fancy device called a ‘Nostre Pinne’. It keeps the ball stable whilst you re-ravel it. The goal is a tangle free ball of yarn. This feels like a good metaphor for what I have embarked upon this year. Each knot needs detangling and my present situation represents a knot in the yarn. With patience (oh how I dislike that word!) and inner reflection, and then some action, the knot becomes looser and the ball becomes easier to manage. I will hold the image of the knot unravelling and I will attempt to feel into that image. An image to help the unwinding that which feels impossible. My secret weapons are my determination and diligence. I wanted to say patience, and yet I scored that word out with disgust. And I can use these tools in my current health situation. I wanted to say ‘crisis’ and yet again that is a belief that isn’t serving my recovery. So I shall say I am utilising my assets to aid my recovery from this. And I will hold the image of the unravelled ball of yarn and the knots being upended, as my evidence that I am doing this now. And that is enough and I am grateful.