My Beloved
I have made my first ‘moon’ catcher. She twirls at the window and I laugh as I watch the breeze catch her as someone walks past the stairs. She is my laughter, my joy, my creative endeavour. Perhaps naff, perhaps a beginning, and maybe an ending if I decide to take her down. She represents me and my femininity, with her pretty pink bows and her lace. She is me in a creative explosion of frivolity, and tonight I have rejoiced. I watched her twirl and I wondered whether she was good enough to sit there in the window and then I decided she could stay there and I would decide in time whether I would change her. As I write these words I am reaching for the symbolism here, the me that feels good enough to be sitting here at this desk. The me that writes, is the me that has evolved from a young woman, to the wise warrior that I am now. And throughout that time I have grown, I have also grown a relationship with a beautiful man. A man who said to me on our wedding day ‘you look delicious’ as I walked up the wedding aisle.
My beloved and I are celebrating 26 years of a wonderful love filled marriage . And we have grown together over these years, and have weathered much, together. He has such faith in me and I have such faith in him. We shore each other up when one of us is uncertain and give wise words to each other when needed. We can be honest with each other, even if sometimes the other doesn’t want to hear it. I have a particular memory of being told to ‘calm down’ which added fire to a raging cauldron of emotions and I am sure that on occasion I have used the eff word at him in my frustration to get my point across. My beloved holds me in those moments, with his silence and offers me solace when I have calmed and I have done the same for him. My beloved is honest and kind, and I love him for it. He has always told me straight, even when I didn’t want to hear it. I cry soppy tears when he tells me that when he strokes my arm, he is saying ‘I love you’ a thousand times. He is ‘Mr Independent’ and will never do anything unless he wants to.
I wanted to tell him how much our relationship has meant to me. That I have grown so much because of us. That I have learnt to love so deep, because of us and I have grown confident and happy because of us. We have grown up together, from youngsters in our twenties, to adults in our fifties. We have played together, and loved together and mourned together. We made a baby and moulded a young adult, and we have created a beautiful, lasting relationship together. I have become so much more because of this beautiful man. He makes me laugh when he tells me stories about his endeavours to meet girls in his youth. And I make him laugh when I tell him about the hairstyles my Mother used to inflict on me. We have endured the ‘hell years’ together and survived. This man has been my safe harbour and sometimes, if I’m honest, the place I have wanted to escape from. And yet we have never given up on each other and never walked away.
A marriage of many years, many memories, and many joys. I’m so glad I met my beloved on that winter’s night and I’m glad I married him on a bright and sunny spring day. My life has been enriched by his presence and it is hard to put into words what these years have meant to me.
On valentines day he gave me a ‘lucky dip’ box full of all the things that I love and one birthday he took me to venice ‘just for the day’. And this anniversary he took our two childhood teddies on a photshoot in our favourtie coffee house, and the teddies adorned the front of my anniversary card. Ah how romantic is my beloved, and how much I love him for these special moments.
The best days are the ordinary, and yet fabulous ones, when we sit in our coffeehouse and I ask the existential questions that make him quiver. I asked him ‘what does joy look like to you’. He tells me afterwards that his mind goes into free fall and he can’t think of an answer, much like a rabbit in headlights. And then he takes a breath and begins to unpack my question. He is honest when he says ‘darling you’ve talked a lot and I’m feeling overwhelmed’. And yep this is the recipe of us, I talk and he listens, and eventually I will get a reply!
I remember the care and support he gave me when my mother was dying and the care he gave our son when I fell apart. And the care and love I gave him when he laid ill in hospital for six weeks. I remember a hospital porter saying as he wheeled my beloved to his bed, ‘you guys are the real deal, I can just see the love you have for each other’ and that is our truth. The song we had playing at our wedding was ‘cherish’ by Kool and the Gang. The words are so meaningful even now. I cherish you my darling, I cherish our life and cherish the love we are continuing to create together. Much like my moon catcher, a work in progress that I love very much.