Idiot… Trailblazer… Radical .. ?
There is an aspect of me that I have sometimes accepted and sometimes vilified. I have been called a ‘radical’ and a ‘trailblazer’ and lately more an activist. Sometimes viewed by one particular family member as an ‘effing idiot’ (yes thank you family member for that one) and by friends as ‘inspirational’. Some of these judgements I have truly liked and others, I have nursed wounds over. The ‘me’ that writes this now, is very different to the ‘me’ of twenty years ago, or the me of three years ago. My life has been shaped by circumstances. Some that have been deliberately chosen, and some that have not. Each of these defining moments have made me a stronger person and for that I am grateful. Meeting my husband and a twenty five year marriage has given me a loving relationship where I’ve been able to grow and be accepted. Being a mother to an ASD child – now a grown up – has given me a voice in which to roar. And the ill thing has given me the gift of flexibility and so much more. Each part of this life has enriched me and at times completely flawed me. I have likened it to the ebb and flow of water. Sometimes the currant has been gentle and meandering, and at other times it has felt like a raging torrent, with me as the small boat bobbing up and down on the stormy waters.
I have weathered much and I have survived. My lighthouse has been my inner strength not to give up. I entered counselling to challenge my limiting beliefs about myself as a woman and as a sexual being. A story for another time I trust. And I dealt with post-natal depression with respectful reverence – in time. For the changing role of being a Mum was very hard. And then at 39 I dealt with a new career and a University degree to train as a Psychotherapist.
I’ve kept the child alive who said at 11 ‘I want to kill myself Mummy’ and navigated us through an education system that failed to nurture this beloved being. And then I dealt with the blow of ailing health and a medical system that couldn’t help me get better.
I have never accepted the answers that I was given and because of this I have been judged the ‘radical’ or the ‘trailblazer’ or the ‘idiot’. I guess it is just down to perspective. I define myself by my actions. The Mother that has never given up on her child, the wife that never accepted her beliefs about sex being wrong, or the ill thing that they said could not be fixed, only managed. And I’m rather glad I am this determined ‘Warrior Woman’ and today, I give thanks for her presence in my life.