Rest and Digest
I had a nice time away with my man in an idyllic forest retreat in the depths of the trees. Such a wonderful time away, and now I am home again. There is a feeling of un-wellness and it is hard to deal with that, this morning. I say ‘morning’ and yet it is 4 am and everything is still, except for this body. I put the ‘menopause’ magnet on and there has been a feeling of overwhelm, of needing to catch one’s breath, and an almost urge to take the ‘thing’ off and gently breathe. Maybe that is what the body is telling me to do. When it feels too much I need to pause, and recalibrate, and right now it feels quite right to take it off. I battle with myself in these hours! I so want the magnet to resolve all the symptoms that this body is going through. And perhaps it will, in time. I just need to be patient. Ah! Patience! Not a word I have liked or wanted or accepted. Patience has been very hard to work with, and yes I say ‘work’ because it has felt so hard to be and accept this waiting. Waiting for the magic to work, for the right remedy to help support this body to heal.
This body, she grumbles and she moans, she whines and she hurts. And I attempt to listen over and over to decipher her hidden messages that I find so hard to understand. It’s like deep inside there is a tight ball of anxiety, in the depths of the solar plexus. And the ball is very tight and very scared. And it feels like a band of something woven tightly, and does not know how to relax her grip for even a moment.
I say ‘relax’ and she doesn’t hear me, and I feel that the relaxation does not come. This body has been ailing for so long, and it’s hard to remember a time when the stomach was welcoming and soft. There have been years and years of such immense emotional rages and its hard to switch that off.
Rest and digest feels an alien concept in a life where I have been fighting for so long. I fought for my right to my own life, and then I fought for my sexuality and the concept of being a woman. I fought for the child that didn’t have a choice and then for my own dear one who arrived struggling and out of kilter with the world. And I fought for his right to be, in a world that hasn’t understood him and wouldn’t listen to him.
I’m proud of this ‘Warrior Mother’ that I am and yet it has cost me dear. It has cost me my health and my sanity at times, and now I am going to resolve that and get ‘Rest and Digest’ back.