Today I went for an appointment, or I would say I had the right time and the wrong day. My head is in a spin and I hadn’t checked my diary. I am usually rather organised, together and at the moment I am not. I am reaching a limit I think. I scraped the car on Saturday and I got an appointment wrong today. I have reached capacity and I am having to step back and wait for the fog to clear from the mind.
The body has been ill for a long time, 8 years this year. The pivotal point was 2015 when everything kicked off and the body has not been right since. I say ‘the body’ because I cannot own it as my illness. The body has been ailing, the body has become weak and it has made me feel vulnerable and at times out of control. To not have control over bodily functions has been a tsunami of emotions both physically and emotionally. To go out and have stuff spewing out of your back passage is not a happy event. For me it has happened so many times that I have lost count. The first time was the worse time and every other time is probably etched on my memory. I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t thinking about what the body might do, and where a toilet might be. The shame of having stuff coming out and walking down the street squelching. This is my story and I will tell it as it is, with nothing held back.