The Yearnings of a Heart
It is the ‘dark hours’ of the night and I am awake, again! I had a window of a few days where I slept more easily, and more deeply than I have for along time and it seems to have been broken… again! I say this with some wistful hope that the Sleep Fairy will come again and spread her wings over me and my bed and be fruitful of a sleep-full night. I almost see this as magic and magic is what I want right now. I have considered my options and this is what I want.
I was speaking with a friend today and were were discussing the downfalls of these ‘wise years’ that I am now in. There is a view that everything is declining and that this body is beginning that journey now. We all said that it feels we’ve been dealt a dodgy hand of cards with winners and losers aplenty. I feel I am playing Russian roulette at present and one ‘bad’ decision will bring all the cards down. And yet there is a different view of the ‘wise’ years that my good ‘friend’ Christiane Northrup speaks about in her book ‘The Wisdom of the Menopause’ which has been both uplifting and helpful to me. And I will consult her opinion, in the book tomorrow. Perhaps there are some answers there and I will look for them and listen to what my ‘heart’ tells me.
I am reminded that when I lead with my heart, I find my own ‘right’ and loving answers. My heart led me to Mark, who is helping me recover and my heart led me back to knitting, which has been my solace during the ‘hell years’. And my heart has led me to many beautiful friends that have supported me over the difficult years. And to a 26 year marriage, to my beloved and my best friend.
I have, up to recently, valued logic before heart and I am now willing to embrace my heart and her yearnings. I yearn for a tidier living space (yep my friends are howling with laughter at that statement – made very often). I yearn for the sea lapping on the shore and I yearn for laughter and joy. I yearn for a kind and considerate knitting teacher, and the space to grow my creativity. I yearn for the tress in the wood and time to just potter. And I yearn for the skills to be a better sewer.
Maybe these are my ‘goals’ for this year, and I will yearn them into being. It feels good to be able to lean into these ideas and follow my heart towards their discovery. These are my unique heart centred ideas for the next few months and I will embrace them with joy, as they have come from my heart, rather than my logic. Woo Hoo! I love that.