Messy Cycles
It is the hours between darkness and light and I can hear the birds beginning their dawn chorus, even though it is still dark. I have woken and the mind was not quiet and so I have arisen and I’m sitting here at the page. My Bestie and I were talking about my constant cycle of mess in my house and the ‘forever-ness’ of clearing up, tidying up and then the mess forming again. I seem to repeat this cycle over and over and it is difficult to break it. The ‘mess’ became my ‘heavenly mess’ for a time and I would rail and frustrate, and lament and still the cycle repeated. I bought books on the subject, and have watched Youtube videos, and naught has successfully helped me to evolve beyond the mess. I have concluded I need to go deeper than the mess itself and explore the me that gets here so often, destination mess central.
I feel that perhaps there is a part of me that hides behind the mess, much like I did as child when I hid behind my mother’s skirts. I have the echo of a memory of that, shyly looking round a corner or hiding behind a cupboard door. To show up for myself has been, and still is, a challenge. If I take myself seriously, if I ‘bother’ then I have to take a central role in my life, and there’s a fear of getting it wrong. So if I live in a mess, then I don’t have to show up. I can just lament about the me that causes this and I don’t have to look any further.
The ‘wrongness’ of me has weighted heavily over the years and it is only now in these ‘wise’ years that I am beginning to appreciate the ‘rightness’ of me, at last. And so I am beginning again with the mess. This time I’m hoping I can really dig deep and experience this pattern from a different vantage point. I know that when I take the time to really listen to myself, I do make changes that work. And I know that to be bothered to explore what’s going on behind the mess, is worth my consideration. So I shall look at my messy rooms with fresh eyes and see what treasures I can find, both through the physical process of sifting and sorting. And the emotional process of where I am hiding myself here. And I will challenge myself, in a loving way, to start showing up in my life, here in this house that I call my home. I am coming home to myself, at last!