I hear you
I have been taking the meds for two days, and I am impatiently waiting for this to be gone. I say ‘impatient’ because I am afraid that its going to stick around forever. It is very hard, if not impossible in this moment to believe that it can be gone. The emotional element according to Louise Hay, my guru on everything emotional about the body, is that I am holding on to anxiety and finding it difficult to release the old patterns of relating to myself and my world. In certain ways I would agree with this, and yet I have made strides towards my own independence from the ‘me’ that has lived this life. I have become so much more than I was. Being able to own my healing journey and truly believing that the choices I have made recently, will and are, bearing fruit. I have taken myself to the next level of caring and I’ve undertaken to find answers to the physical issues I have faced for the last eight years. It feels that intellectually I ‘get’ this and yet physically the ‘feelings’ of this have not been heard by this body yet. Its like I am skating the edge of the things that the body needs to feel. What would it take for her to feel safe. To be able to truly release that which is ‘old news’ and embrace the newness of hope that I have finally understood what she has been attempting to tell me for the last eight years? I wanna say to her ‘I have finally heard you and now I am doing the things that will make you feel better’. It’s like I am attempting to dialogue with a child that has gone rogue and refuses to listen, because she has felt unheard and abused for so long. And I guess she is still scared and wary about my motives. And she still believes that at any moment I will turn away and act unloving. Wow this reminds me of how I have felt in the past. Love being switched off, like a tap, and feeling abandoned by the important beings in my life. It is like the body has been trapped in a time warp of being five years old, and it is hard for her to feel that anyone cares about what happens to her.
This feels rather a big ‘uncovering’ and I have had to sit here and catch my breathe at what I’ve just laid witness to. It’s like the body mistrusts the grown up me, because I was that child that felt love was turned off and on. Can she trust that I will stay tuned in and loving, even when she is in pain, like now. I have a tendency to want to turn away from the pain, rather that to be ‘with’ it. I guess that is my inbuilt mechanism of wanting to get rid of the things that I find unbearable. And I’m hopeful that now I have uncovered this, I can find some compassion and some curiousity and perhaps with these in place, the body will begin to trust the grown up me to help her to heal. I really hope this is now possible. That the five year old me will hear me when I say ‘I have heard you at last and I am here for you, whatever happens’. That seems to be what she needs to feel in the next few days, and weeks and months – ‘I hear you and I am here for you whatever happens’ – my loving statement to myself.